My friends, they love my intelligence
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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