nut hugger
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
we're so committed to being not committed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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