this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
