I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Pooping to opera.
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