If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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