god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
