You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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