Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
