i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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