It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
