I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
