I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
