I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
