Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
