we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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