When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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