We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
