she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
