I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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