her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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