I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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