I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
