Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
