I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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