if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
