Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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