Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just found a bag of teeth...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
