You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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