I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
