I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
