I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize