I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
