Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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