I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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