I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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