It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Randomize
