I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize