so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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