Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
