i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
