On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
