Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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