just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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