I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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