Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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