I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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