you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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