She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
