Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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