Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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