i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
