Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize