Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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