Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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