I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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