I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
