Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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