The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
